When someone you love moves into a nursing home, it can be hard to figure out your role. You may want to help care for them but wonder how to do so. These suggestions can help you navigate this new situation.
At some point in your life, you may have a loved one move into a nursing home or a skilled nursing facility. It might be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or a close friend.
For Eileen, that time came in 2018. That was the year her sister, Maggie, moved into the skilled nursing section of a senior-living community in Northern Indiana.
Maggie had been staying in the assisted living section for a few years. But she fell just before Christmas in 2017 and wound up spending 4 days in the hospital. Though she hadn’t broken any bones or been seriously hurt, being laid up in a hospital bed left her weak and unable to walk. That meant she needed a wheelchair and rehab, so she moved into skilled nursing, where she could get the care she needed. She wasn’t able to get back on her feet, so she’s needed skilled nursing ever since.
It was a big change for Maggie. The hardest part was her loss of independence. As Eileen explained, Maggie is now, “dependent …[on] everyone for everything, you know?” Even for Eileen, the move took some getting used to.
Having a loved one move into a nursing home can be a big adjustment. That increased dependence might change your relationship. You might find it hard to admit that your loved one is growing older and needs more help and support. And even though you’re not the primary caregiver, you may still want to play a role in their care.
As it turns out, there are plenty of ways to help support and care for your loved one in that situation. Support can take different forms. You can look for ways to support them emotionally. And, there are more practical types of support you can offer.
Here are 11 ways you can care for your loved one who lives in a nursing home.
1. Spend time with them.
If you live in the area, try to visit often. Encourage other family members and friends to do the same. You can talk, of course. But you might also want to play a game, work on a puzzle, listen to music, play cards or chess, or watch a ball game or a movie together.
“The important part, as far as I’m concerned, is visiting them. They get very lonely in those facilities,” said Eileen, who tries to visit Maggie 2 to 3 times a week.
2. Support them emotionally.
Moving into a nursing home can be a big change. Listen to their concerns, fears, and frustrations. And share in their excitement, anticipation, and delight.
3. Take them out every now and then, if possible.
Have your loved one over for dinner. Treat them to lunch at a favorite restaurant. Take them to see a movie or a play. Celebrate birthdays and the holidays with them.
Of course, if your loved one is in a wheelchair, you may not be able to—at least, not easily. In that case, Eileen suggests that “when you’re visiting them, especially when the weather gets warm enough, take them outdoors and ... wheel them around the grounds.” The fresh air and a change of scenery can really lift their spirits.
4. Look for small ways to treat them.
“I find baking for them, bringing them small treats or something, that means a lot,” said Eileen, who loves to drop off homemade pumpkin and zucchini bread, sugar cookies, cheese and crackers, and even the occasional bottle of beer or wine.
It doesn’t have to be food, of course. You could buy them a book you think they’d love, paint their nails, or get some photos framed to hang in their room.
5. Meet the other residents at the nursing home.
Your loved one will be living with lots of new people. You might enjoy getting to know them, as well. It can help you stay connected to your loved one if you get to know their new circle of friends.
And if your loved one is shy or seems to be having a hard time meeting new people, maybe you can help. You could go around with your loved one and introduce yourselves together. This Silver&Fit Blog post has other good ideas on how to make new friends and build meaningful relationships as an older adult. Your loved one might find it helpful.
6. Get to know the team of caregivers who look after your loved one.
This might include aides, nurses, doctors, social workers, the administrator of the facility, the chaplain, and the activity director. Tell them a little about yourself and your loved one. Ask them to share a little about themselves, as well.
Having good relationships with this team of caregivers can help your loved one get the best care. Plus, it’s good for the staff to know that you’re going to be involved and helping to support your loved one and that they can reach out to you with questions and concerns. Also, it’s good for them to know that you’ll be keeping an eye on things.
Just be sure not to get too involved. These are busy professionals caring for a lot of older adults—not just your loved one. Respect their time.
Eileen finds it helpful to have regular group meetings with the staff. These don’t have to be frequent. And the meetings can be brief. But it’s a good time for everyone to get together and catch up. It also provides Eileen an opportunity to thank the staff for their care.
7. Ask if you can help with any routine tasks or activities.
All the important and essential needs should be covered, such as food, shelter, and health care. But there may be other things that your loved one would appreciate. Maybe you could take them out shopping—or go shopping for them. You might be able to drive them to certain appointments. You could run errands with or for them.
8. Help them navigate legal, financial, and medical issues.
These issues can be complex and tough to figure out—for your loved one and even for you. Thankfully, there are plenty of resources that you can access for help. Most nursing homes have someone on staff—a social worker, for instance—who can answer questions or help your loved one access the services they need.
For questions about Medicare, Medicaid, or other insurance, you can also reach out to your State Health Insurance Assistance Programs (SHIPs). A representative can explain the insurance options that are available and advise you on what might best meet the needs of your loved one. Go to shiphelp.org to find the SHIP in your area.
A lawyer can help with advance directives and other legal documents, as well as financial matters and even elder rights. If your loved one can’t afford a lawyer, check to see if your state has any legal aid programs. Search here for legal aid in your loved one’s area.
9. Be sure your loved one is getting the care they need.
Check in with your loved one often to see how well they’re being cared for. Here are some questions you might want to ask them:
- Are you feeling OK?
- Are there any supplies you need? Do you need more toilet paper, paper towels, or tissues?
- Do you have your glasses and hearing aids?
- What sorts of activities are you participating in?
- Who do you like to spend time with?
- Are you getting enough sleep?
- How’s physical therapy going?
- How’s the food?
And be observant, especially if your loved one isn’t able to speak up for themselves. Are they well groomed? Do they seem comfortable and happy? Are they getting along well with the staff and with the other residents? Changes in their mood or appearance may be signs of a health problem or signs that your loved one needs more support and care.
10. Advocate for them if you have concerns.
Talk to the staff first about any concerns. Be respectful. Share your concerns, and then listen to them and give them a chance to explain. You might not have the full picture. There might be valid reasons why a particular decision was made or why a situation was handled in a certain way. Also, mistakes and misunderstandings do happen from time to time.
If there is an issue that needs to be addressed, politely ask the staff to do so. If problems persist, take your concerns to the director of the facility. And if that doesn’t help, talk to the executive director.
In the first couple of years that Maggie was in a skilled nursing facility, Eileen raised a few minor issues here and there. But once the coronavirus hit, the issues seemed to mount. She’s had to remind the staff a few times to bring Maggie out of her room for activities. She also noticed that Magie wasn’t getting showered as often, and her room wasn’t being cleaned as thoroughly.
It’s understandable, of course. The pandemic has affected everyone, including the staff and their families. And because the residents have a higher risk of serious illness, the staff needs to be extra careful themselves and to quarantine if they are exposed to or infected with the virus. That’s left the nursing home short-staffed, at certain points. It’s been a challenging time for everyone.
11. Get help from the state’s long-term care ombudsman.
If you have any serious concerns about the care your loved one is receiving, contact your state’s long-term care ombudsman. Long-term care ombudsmen are advocates for people who live in nursing homes and other long-term care facilities. They can inform you of the rights your loved one is entitled to as a resident, as well as the standard of care your loved one should be receiving. They can advocate for changes to help improve the quality of life and quality of care for residents. And they can help your loved one get legal help, if needed.
As you can see, there are still plenty of ways to care for your loved one, even in a supporting role. Most of these examples assume you’re living near your loved one. But even if you’re at a distance, you may still be able to do a lot of these things. Sure, you may not be able to see your loved one or help them out in person as often. But you can set up a regular time to call and chat. You can send cards and letters. You can speak by phone or video chat with the staff on a regular basis. You can support your loved one in many of these ways at a distance just as well as you can in person.
Of course, you may not be able to help your loved one with everything—or make everything perfect for them. That can be hard to accept. Eileen finds herself wishing that Maggie wasn’t confined to a wheelchair, which is limiting. She misses the days when she could pick up Maggie from assisted living and take her to lunch or over to see her extended family.
But she’s found workarounds. These days, she likes to bring some of Maggie’s favorite foods to her. And she also likes to bring Maggie’s great-niece and great-nephews, Jane, Ivo, and Brendan, to visit. Because of the coronavirus, they haven’t been able to go into the nursing home lately. But when the weather is warm, she can bring Maggie outside to a patio area at the nursing home and the kids can run around, blow bubbles, and play with chalk.
Eileen emphasizes how much joy it brings Maggie to be around the kids. “Children are really a healing force,” she says. So, if your loved one has grandchildren or great-nieces and great-nephews, like Maggie, bring them by for visits, as well. And if allowed, bring your dog for a visit. Your loved one and everyone who meets the pup in the hallways will be smiling as they greet a “therapy dog.”
These are some suggestions for how to play a supporting role as a caregiver. But you can tailor the type of care and support you offer to your loved one’s needs and preferences. Get their input. And feel free to be creative. The most important part—of course—is just to show them that you love them and that you’re there for them.
Not a Silver&Fit® member? Learn more about everything the program has to offer, including more helpful healthy living tips like this, here on our website.
This information is not intended to take the place of regular medical care or advice. Eileen and Maggie are not members of the Silver&Fit Program. Images used for this article do not depict Eileen or Maggie or any members of the Silver&Fit Program.
References
AARP. (n.d.). Caregiving. https://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/
AARP. (n.d.). Staying in touch with loved ones in nursing homes and long-term care facilities. https://states.aarp.org/iowa/staying-in-touch-with-loved-ones-in-nursing-homes-and-long-term-care-facilities
Administration for Community Living. (n.d.). Legal services for older Americans program. https://acl.gov/programs/legal-help/legal-services-elderly-program#:~:text=Legal%20assistance%20provided%20under%20Title,and%20other%20community%2Dbased%20services
Eldercare Locator. (n.d.). Caregiver corner. https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Resources/Topic/Caregiver.aspx
Family Caregiver Alliance. (2016). Residential care options: Caregiving doesn’t end when your loved one moved. https://www.caregiver.org/resource/residential-care-options-caregiving-doesnt-end-when-your-loved-one-moves/?via=caregiver-resources,caring-for-another,out-of-home-care
Goyer, A. (2020, September 24). How to be an effective advocate for aging parents. AARP. https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2020/advocate-for-aging-parents.html
Legal Services Corporation. (n.d.). Get legal help. https://www.lsc.gov/about-lsc/what-legal-aid/get-legal-help
National Center on Elder Abuse. (n.d.). Long-term care ombudsman program: What you must know. https://ltcombudsman.org/uploads/files/library/long-term-care-ombudsman-program-what-you-must-know.pdf
National Consumer Voice for Quality Long-Term Care. (n.d.). How to find a long-term care ombudsman program. https://theconsumervoice.org/get_help
National Consumer Voice for Quality Long-Term Care. (n.d.). About the ombudsman program. https://ltcombudsman.org/about/about-ombudsman
National Institute on Aging. (n.d.). Caregiving. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caregiving
National Institute on Aging. (2017, May 1). What is long-term care? https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-long-term-care#:~:text=Long%2Dterm%20care%20involves%20a,everyday%20activities%20on%20their%20own
National Institute on Aging. (2017, May 1). Residential facilities, assisted living, and nursing homes. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/residential-facilities-assisted-living-and-nursing-homes
State Health Insurance Assistance Program. (n.d.). Local Medicare help. https://www.shiphelp.org/
United States Department of Health and Human Services. (2021, November 4). Get support if you’re a caregiver. https://health.gov/myhealthfinder/topics/everyday-healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships/get-support-if-youre-caregiver
This article was written by Nora Byrne, edited by Candace Hodges, and clinically reviewed by Jossue Ortiz, DC.
